Why Do We Argue?

3/7/2018

Arguments reveal what we are holding in our hearts. Almost always, arguments grow out of an unmet emotional need.

"Little things like taking the old newspapers out to the garage for recycling is not a big deal to him, but it is to me because I hate a mess. It's kind of a visual thing." What is she saying? One of her emotional needs is to have the house tidy. Mess is emotionally upsetting to her.
The wise person will look for the emotional need behind the argument. Bringing awareness to the situation by asking "Why is my spouse so upset over what seems unimportant to me?" or "Why is my coworker always trying to pick a fight?" The answer to those questions will help you understand the other person. Meeting emotional needs is one way to create a positive climate for communication.

Unhappy Couple

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:	ACTS OF SERVICE	RECEIVING GIFTS:	QUALITY TIME:	PHYSICAL TOUCH:
For the Words of Affirmation person, know that you are not limited to the expression of words alone (e.g. "I love you" or "I appreciate you"). Although these words may fill their love tank, they also want to hear the reasons behind those words, such as why do you love me? Take a moment to think through why you love or appreciate someone. It may be your partner, family member, child, friend, colleague, or other relationship. Let them know the WHY behind the words, and watch them light up with joy.	In the workplace, you can speak the Appreciation Language of Acts of Service. If you notice a co-worker overwhelmed with projects, offer to help them out in some way. Not only will you strengthen a friendship, but you will also help to reduce their stress level and create a more positive work environment.	If you want to love or appreciate someone in your life who is primarily a Gifts person, try buying them a ticket to their favourite movie, theatre, or a sporting event. The trick to making it extra special is to be listening ahead of time for what their interests are & buy tickets accordingly. Or maybe they like peonies (Flowers) but dislike lilies, make sure that you get the right kind otherwise you may not score big, even if you went out of your way and spent good money. Listen closely, and you will find the right way to show them you love them.	If you are physically separated from someone you love, a handwritten letter can help fill their love tank. This is because you took the time to sit down, hold it in your hands, and write it. It is this expression that can be an excellent way to connect when apart. As they read the love letter over & over, it will make them feel special and loved and it will reduce the stress of being seperated.	There are moments in life when appropriate touches are extremely powerful. An an example, when someone experiences a devastating loss, it can be very meaningful to be held or hugged. Often this brings a sense of calm and peace. Be aware that not everyone expresses their need in this way, but everyone does need to be loved, especially when life gets overwhelming.